Loose pages

Entry 2 : weight of becoming

I don’t know, man. I’m just stuck.

A lot has been happening lately, both to me and around me, and I can’t seem to be in control.

LEARNERSHIP

I’ve been doing this learnership for the last three months, and we were assigned to look for hosts. Honestly, I can’t seem to find one.

I’ve gone around town and even asked in places I never thought I’d ask. It’s honestly been a humiliating experience because every time I ask, I sound more desperate with every word.

I am not, though.

Well, maybe I am.

I remember venting to one of my friends and asking him if they wouldn’t mind taking a second person where he’s hosting since it’s basically a family business.

He brushed me off and told me to keep looking.

I don’t know why, but that hurt.

He doesn’t owe me anything, and I know that. It just stung because I started thinking about the effort I would’ve put in if the roles were reversed.

But hey, we’re different people.

One thing I’ve realised about rich people too is that they mize.

I asked one of my mom’s friends, who happens to own a law firm, if he could help me out, and I got double-ticked.

My mom later told me he’s dealing with some issues at work and court matters because of competition in his field. Apparently, he’s super stressed.

I understood.

Then there’s a person who was supposed to be my career mentor this year.

A piece of shit, if you ask me.

This guy has all the money in the world and the brains to back it, but he’s such a disappointing human being.

My relationship with him is complicated because I know him through my mom, and my mom knows him through her friend.

They’re dating.

And he’s married.

Yeah.

He’s having an affair.

So over time, I’ve heard things and seen things, and I’ve slowly come to realise the type of person he is.

Unreliable.

Three weeks ago, I asked him about this hosting thing, and every single time he told me,

“I’m handling it, don’t worry.”

At one point, he even told me to inform the company that I had a host sorted.

So I did.

Now the deadline is around the corner, and I might be cooked because of his lies and because he kept stringing me along.

I just hope I’m reliable once I’m a millionaire, man.

RIGHT?

Spider-Man always gets up.

Right?

I can’t seem to explain whether I’m okay or not, so I think I’ve just convinced myself that I am amidst all this confusion.

The big elephant in the room right now is Act 5.

I genuinely can’t finish it because it’s draining me.

I’m at the most painful parts of that experience, and it’s not as easy as I thought it would be to write about them.

I’m trying, though.

I really am.

The “Bare jola o bane “ series has to be one of those things I want done and dusted right now, but it doesn’t want to get done, fam.

I’m consuming more than I need to.

People vent to me, and I listen, but I fear I can’t do the same.

Not because I don’t have anyone to vent to, but because even I don’t know what I want to get out of my chest.

I think reality doesn’t always favour the bold.

I’ve put myself out there.

I’ve taken chances.

I’ve run fades with all these L’s, but they seem never-ending.

Have I not taken my leap of faith yet?

Maybe I think I’ve taken the necessary steps toward finding myself, but have I really done that?

I feel stagnant.

My year didn’t really go as planned, and that hurts.

It really does.

Because I look in the mirror and see the same guy I saw in January.

I may have changed mentally.

I may have matured.

But deep down, I still doubt myself.

Go tla ba sharp?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

FATHER

To all the present fathers out there, I aspire to be like you and more.

I can’t really say I know the type of father I want to be, nor do I know what it feels like to have one of those. But I know I want to be there.

Through it all.

I want to be there for every moment my father wasn’t.

I want to build bonds and connections with my kids.

I just realised I could go on and on about this, but I’ll save it for another day.

Maybe I’ll write an article about it.

“Letter to My Unborn Child” or something.

Something to look forward to, I guess.

To all the absent fathers, I can’t even say I understand what influences that type of behaviour. I don’t even want to understand it. Just know that your absence leaves a void.

One that’s hard to fill because you never really know what is supposed to fill it. The warm embrace of a father. A father figure.

A voice.

A presence.

A void.

Just a void.

YO DAI

Now to the current me.

I hope you’re listening.

Well, I hope you’re reading, because I want you to grow into a better man. I’m surrounded by examples of people not showing up, and I’m terrified of becoming one of them.

So be better than that.

Don’t let the fear of the unknown consume you.

Stay true to yourself and remember that there are people who believe in you. They didn’t give you your name for no reason. They saw something in you. I think it’s time you saw it in yourself.

Because out of everything around you, I know you’re always going to choose you.

And that’s okay.

Because the person you’re choosing is the very person who’s going to do the impossible.

He’s going to be a GOATed brother to a GOATed little sister.

He’s going to be an amazing friend.

The kind that supports, uplifts, and shows up.

He’s going to be a present father.

A man of his word.

Reliable.

A man worth writing about.

It won’t be easy.

It never is.

But if someone can do it, it’s definitely you.

Break away from the culture if you have to.

Follow your heart.

Embody the Jade you represent. ❤️

And when you feel like you’re losing yourself, remember that you have an amazing support system around you, fam.

You don’t have to carry everything alone.

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